i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
