Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
