Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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