hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
