You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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