I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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