I should be sponsored by Trojan
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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