I'm going to jail i love you
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
