I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
