Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
