so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
