you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
