I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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