I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
