Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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