He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
