I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
