dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
