brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I want to fling myself into the sun
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
