Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
