I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
