omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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