I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
