The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
