Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
