Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
