i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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