after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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