I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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