I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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