have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
How naked do you want me to be?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
