The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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