I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
