it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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