Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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