What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
