I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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