frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
