Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i will never coherently bang her
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize