The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
