You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
