Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize