You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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