I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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