1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
