Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
