so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
So squirting runs in the family.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
