Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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