Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
