can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
