Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
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