Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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