I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
