My hair reeks of homosexuality.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
