It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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