I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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