like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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