Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
