I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
tell me about the fingering
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
