i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
