Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
