im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
