Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
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