I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
