Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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