Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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