So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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